What Would Have Been

These last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I am still deeply grieving the loss of our sweet baby this summer. It's been six months now and I've found myself just now starting to really work through more of the stages of grief. 

There's been a few other life circumstances that have had me so incredibly happy and other things that I have been completely dreading. There was something that made me so uneasy and it took me almost a week to bring it up with Will and then I cried so much and realised I was just plain sad. Sad for what would have been. 

Passing the due date was weird. Part of me felt like I needed to do something to commemorate, and the other part of me just wants to clam up all to myself. 

A lady from church told me that she found she wasn't able to complete mourning the loss of her babies until after their due dates passed. A date that is so expectantly looked forward to which suddenly becomes only a 'would have been'. It's been helpful to keep her words in mind but I'm not looking to rush any feelings at this point only because our baby would have been here by now. 

I sent a text to a friend explaining how I'm trying really hard to keep my mindset and words on the 'would have' rather than 'should have' because I know that what I think should have been is only my earthly plan, and not what's ultimately good for me. Even when it doesn't feel good. And even when there are so many would haves that I'm feeling the heavy weight of. 

 

October 2023

"My first time taking a pregnancy test and having it come out negative was weird. I've never taken a test and had it negative before. It was a weird feeling to look at it and see only one line. Now It's becoming almost an expectation. 

I've been trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but it's hard. "

Brownies and ice cream after a negative pregnancy test. 

November 2023

"Still resting in God's plan. 

I feel surprisingly at peace about not being pregnant. 

It's something that I do long for so badly, but this past year has been quite a learning experience for me and I understand very plainly how I can make all the plans I want but ultimately everything is up to the Lord. And what a beautiful thing that is! If He is withholding a child from us at this time I trust that it is for a good reason, even if it doesn't feel good to me. My plans are so distorted by sin and yet I can't even see it, what a blessing that in the end our gracious God is the one planning out our lives for us in exactly the way that is needed for my sanctification. Because if it were up to me I would not choose the road of sanctification. No way, no thanks. I'd rather take the route with a life of ease.

God is good all the time."

Over the Christmas break I put together a memorial book with all the photos from our fourth pregnancy. The growing belly, notes on my morning sickness, and how I was so tired that I once nodded off while standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of water. 

And then it included us learning of our child's death and how we kept going in the days after that. 

I tried a few times to publish those pictures and words as a blog post but it's still something that I want to keep close to my heart so it won't be getting publicised. 

The due date was a hard day of grieving. I cried myself to sleep the night before and waking up in the morning it was the second thing I said to Will. Delilah really understands which is painful to explain and talk her through but we had a great conversation about souls in Heaven and William, participating when he can, reminded us all that, "She gets to see God before all the rest of us and it's not really fair, but it is because she's in Heaven."

Soli Deo Gloria

❤🌹👼