"He or she is looking more and more human everyday...Your baby is developing fingers and toes on the hands and feet that appeared on the limbs last week. Webbed at the moment, those digits will soon separate into ten little fingers and ten little toes that you will soon love to count..."
Only we won't get to.
This is where our sweet baby left us.
Although, we didn't learn that until a few weeks later. July 12th, 2023.
The ultrasound technician was very thorough, factual, yet kind. The wriggly little kiddo we were expectantly waiting to see on the screen was instead the lifeless body of our baby.
It took eleven days from us learning about our child's death until my body was able to miscarry the baby. That wait was a roller coaster. Such a horrid anticipation. In a way I felt like we rushed through the initial grief to prepare for the miscarriage, but then in another way it was also helpful to get through the shock of it all as a separate event from the miscarriage. I don't know. It's awful whatever way you look at it.
And yet we have had so much peace about it all too. It's really weird and 'otherworldly' in a way that is only explainable by the hope we have through Jesus. Yes we are often times very sad, but not without joy. I heard at a funeral a while ago something that's been ringing true for us, "Joy and sorrow are dance partners."
A few days after that ultrasound one of Will's customers dropped off some berries for us, raspberries included. I don't think she knew at the time about our pending miscarriage but the fruit was such a kind gift and the raspberries were extra special to me.
Our elder from church came for a visit once we got the news and gave us this book. It's been a comforting read to be reminded by so much scripture and the Reformed confessions of all the hope that we have even amidst the death of a child. His wife gave us a pie. Food for the body and food for the soul.
Now as we are one month out from hearing that there was no heart beat we are doing a lot better. Physically I am well and have regained my energy. The pregnancy, grief, and miscarriage zapped most of my drive and strength right out from me. Mentally and emotionally Will and I have been very intentional about checking in with each other. We have cried together the most we ever have, but we're starting to laugh more again.
I texted a friend, "We commented that if at any time over the course of our marriage now is the best time for us to be going through this heartache as we are the strongest we have ever been. Only growing closer together and to the Lord through this all."
I'm not sure how much more I will or won't or share about our sweet babe. It's all very raw still and such an intimate thing that it makes it difficult for me to know where my own thoughts are at, let alone trying to convey them somewhat cohesively in text. I don't even know how well this all reads together - you're getting it right off my finger tips so hopefully well enough to make sense.
Thank you to everyone for the kind responses to the Job 1:21 post. I can't bring myself to reply to them, but it means so much knowing we have had so many people for us.
❤
Rest in peace, our littlest one
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